Since the dawn of modern medicine, scientists worldwide have sought to develop
a simple test that will aid them in their diagnosis of the mysterious afflication known
as Audiophilia Nervosa. This not-so-rare disorder occurs predominantly in males,
but numerous cases have been reported in females as well. Indications of Audiophilia include
rapid decreases in bank account balance, an affinity for the collection of strange wooden discs,
and a desire to sit in a motionless trance staring at glowing glass bottles.
The swiftness with which this disorder can turn an unsuspecting music lover into an all-out audio junkie is
particularly alarming, and has been the prime motivator behind the recent intensification
of research in this area. Recently, Dr. Allan Von Schweikel* of the Louisiana Institute
for Audiophilia Research (LIAR) has devised a simple, multiple-choice test which
is 99% accurate in diagnosing those afflicted with this disorder. For the benefit
of our readers, we have obtained permission from Dr. Von Schweikel to publish his test
in these pages. Once you've completed the test, compute your score as described in the
directions following the last question.
-
I attend live music concerts
a) Never
b) A few times a year
c) Only when the seat in the sweet spot is available
-
(Men only) Answer 'yes' or 'no' to the following question: Have you ever ended
a relationship with a woman because her highs weren't silky enough?
(Women only) Answer 'yes' or 'no' to the following question: Have you ever ended a
relationship with a man because his bottom end wasn't tight enough?
-
Which phrase best describes the following image?
a) Two clouds floating freely in space
b) Crumpled candy bar wrappers
c) A pair of Class A, all-tube monoblocks
-
John has $100, Mary has $50 and Billy has $150. John earns an additional $100 and
Mary and Billy give all of their money to John. How much money does John now have?
a) $400
b) $500
c) Not enough for a cable upgrade
-
Which one of the following best describes you?
a) I have more money invested in recordings than audio equipment
b) I have equally divided my investment between equipment and recordings
c) I couldn't afford any recordings after my equipment purchases but if I orient my
cables correctly, I can listen to Russian radio.
-
Estimate the average amount of time it takes to break in a loudspeaker with dynamic drivers:
a) 50 hours
b) 100 hours
c) Don't know, I've never owned a pair of loudspeakers long enough to break them in
-
The biggest issue polarizing the nation today is:
a) The problem of race relations
b) How to reduce the deficit
c) The single-ended vs. push-pull debate
-
How many hours a day do you listen to music?
a) Less than or equal to one hour
b) More than one hour
c) By the time I've finished adjusting VTA, I'm too tired to listen to music.
-
Consider this scenario: while walking through your listening room, your spouse slips on a
bottle of Last stylus cleaner and falls head first onto your Linn LP12. Do you
a) Run to his/her aid immediately?
b) Run to his/her aid as soon as the CD you're listening to is finished?
c) Run and grab the Linn setup jig - the impact knocked the LP12's suspension completely out of
whack?
-
Which one of the following movies would you rather see?
a) The Godfather
b) The Speaker Cable Guy
c) The Binding Postman Always Rings Twice
Now, compute your score as follows:
give yourself one point for each a) or 'no' answer, two points for each b) answer and three points
for each c) or 'yes' answer. Once you have computed your score, you may use the table below to determine your level of the disease:
|
Score
|
Disease Level
|
|
10-16
|
None
|
|
17-23
|
Mild, take test again in six months
|
|
24-30
|
You've got it bad! Consult an acoustician, er, a physician immediately!
|
