The Audiophilia Nervosa Test

Concerned that you might have fallen victim to the disorder known as Audiophilia Nervosa? Take this simple, conclusive test and find out.

Since the dawn of modern medicine, scientists worldwide have sought to develop a simple test that will aid them in their diagnosis of the mysterious afflication known as Audiophilia Nervosa. This not-so-rare disorder occurs predominantly in males, but numerous cases have been reported in females as well. Indications of Audiophilia include rapid decreases in bank account balance, an affinity for the collection of strange wooden discs, and a desire to sit in a motionless trance staring at glowing glass bottles. The swiftness with which this disorder can turn an unsuspecting music lover into an all-out audio junkie is particularly alarming, and has been the prime motivator behind the recent intensification of research in this area. Recently, Dr. Allan Von Schweikel* of the Louisiana Institute for Audiophilia Research (LIAR) has devised a simple, multiple-choice test which is 99% accurate in diagnosing those afflicted with this disorder. For the benefit of our readers, we have obtained permission from Dr. Von Schweikel to publish his test in these pages. Once you've completed the test, compute your score as described in the directions following the last question.

The Von Schweikel Test

  1. I attend live music concerts

    a) Never
    b) A few times a year
    c) Only when the seat in the sweet spot is available

  2. (Men only) Answer 'yes' or 'no' to the following question: Have you ever ended a relationship with a woman because her highs weren't silky enough?

    (Women only) Answer 'yes' or 'no' to the following question: Have you ever ended a relationship with a man because his bottom end wasn't tight enough?

  3. Which phrase best describes the following image?

    a) Two clouds floating freely in space
    b) Crumpled candy bar wrappers
    c) A pair of Class A, all-tube monoblocks

  4. John has $100, Mary has $50 and Billy has $150. John earns an additional $100 and Mary and Billy give all of their money to John. How much money does John now have?

    a) $400
    b) $500
    c) Not enough for a cable upgrade

  5. Which one of the following best describes you?

    a) I have more money invested in recordings than audio equipment
    b) I have equally divided my investment between equipment and recordings
    c) I couldn't afford any recordings after my equipment purchases but if I orient my cables correctly, I can listen to Russian radio.

  6. Estimate the average amount of time it takes to break in a loudspeaker with dynamic drivers:

    a) 50 hours
    b) 100 hours
    c) Don't know, I've never owned a pair of loudspeakers long enough to break them in

  7. The biggest issue polarizing the nation today is:

    a) The problem of race relations
    b) How to reduce the deficit
    c) The single-ended vs. push-pull debate

  8. How many hours a day do you listen to music?

    a) Less than or equal to one hour
    b) More than one hour
    c) By the time I've finished adjusting VTA, I'm too tired to listen to music.

  9. Consider this scenario: while walking through your listening room, your spouse slips on a bottle of Last stylus cleaner and falls head first onto your Linn LP12. Do you

    a) Run to his/her aid immediately?
    b) Run to his/her aid as soon as the CD you're listening to is finished?
    c) Run and grab the Linn setup jig - the impact knocked the LP12's suspension completely out of whack?

  10. Which one of the following movies would you rather see?

    a) The Godfather
    b) The Speaker Cable Guy
    c) The Binding Postman Always Rings Twice

  11. Now, compute your score as follows: give yourself one point for each a) or 'no' answer, two points for each b) answer and three points for each c) or 'yes' answer. Once you have computed your score, you may use the table below to determine your level of the disease:

    Score Disease Level
    10-16 None
    17-23 Mild, take test again in six months
    24-30 You've got it bad! Consult an acoustician, er, a physician immediately!

    *All names mentioned are fictitious. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.